If you're in middle school, and you're feeling lost - read this.

kailo19

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Apr 7, 2014
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PRE-PRE-WARNING: THIS IS A HUGE WALL OF TEXT BUT IF IT APPLIES TO YOU I STRONGLY RECOMMEND THAT YOU READ IT IN IT'S ENTIRETY. It will help you, I promise.

PRE-WARNING: THIS GOT FORMATTED HORRIBLY, THERE WERE SPACES IN IT I SWEAR. I SWEAR! BUT I'M NOT GOING THROUGH ALL THAT TEXT TO REFORMAT IT.

WARNING: THIS WILL BE SLIGHTLY OUT OF CONTEXT AS IT WAS A REPLY TO A SPECIFIC COMMENT THAT I WILL REPOST HERE FOR SOME CLARITY, BUT IT'S NOT THE WHOLE THREAD. FOR THOSE WISHING TO READ THE THREAD, IT CAN BE FOUND Here

Warning again: While this post does not advocate drug use in any way, it involves some stories of my previous drug use. I hope this doesn't offend anyone or infringe on the adsense policy.

This is the unedited result of a 7 hour 'stream-of-consciousness' style writing that took place last night after I read a thread on the oatmeal that actually could have gone somewhere if I was able to post this comment, though unfortunately it was too many characters. I'm hoping I won't have the same problem here, I'm also planning on posting this to a few other places as well. 

Well, here goes nothin'.

The comment in question:
Code:
TheSmart8thGrader wrote:   
[color=#3f4549][SIZE=3][font='Helvetica Neue', arial, sans-serif]I'm in gifted class too. Nyako, the only reason why they call us "nerds" is because they are just a bunch of retarded fags and are very jealous of our high intelligence! P.S. I'm in 8th grade with an IQ of 137. suck it losers![/font][/SIZE][/color]

This was my full, unedited response.
   
*If you're young and confused like I was once many years ago, read this. It will help. I promise.*


 
Just gonna comment back on this in the hopes that it somehow finds you by complete serendipity. And even though this comment is in direct response to 'The Smart 8th Grader', it really is a response to everyone in this thread, and hopefully many more to come. When I first stumbled upon this thread while browsing The Oatmeal late tonight (this has now been drawn out into the morning now, I haven't slept at all because I've been so engrossed in writing this) I saw tons of comments at the end and chalked it of as 'Just more pointless internet quarrels', but as I scrolled down to select another comic I stopped for a half second and what my eyes saw shocked me - a conversation on the internet between complete strangers that, if pointed in the right direction (hopefully with this comment) could actually be productive to the sorts of people reading said comics (Mostly kids going through the transition from being a kid/teen to a young adult, because that's become the main demographic of the internet in my mind, especially on websites for comics). I myself am 18 at the time of writing. I hope you guys actually take the time to listen to what I have to say, because it could actually help you. Two years have passed since you posted this comment, I truly hope you've matured a bit since writing this. I say this not to scold you, but because it makes me sad (and a little angry) when I see someone with intelligence who thinks they can take on the whole world at the age of probably around 14. The only reason that this makes me experience these emotions is that I was the same way, and I can only imagine what is down the road for you (And has probably already started to happen, given you've had two years to 'go around the block', as my father used to say). 

Hmm... where do I start. You possess intelligence you say, an IQ of 137. That's pretty high, probably higher than I'd score but I've only taken the WAIS test (Test IV) and it didn't give me one specific number that I could just flaunt around, it broke it down into sections and told me what age level my intelligence in certain core areas was and put it beside the scores of other kids my age. I scored in the 95% percentile. for most reading, writing and general free-thinking abilities my score was concurrent with the projection of what a person aged 15+ years older than me should have scored and as for my other skills they averaged out around 5-10 years above the age of when I was administered the test (I was given a comprehensive mental evaluation when I was being tested for ADHD - which by the way is a real chemical imbalance in your brain, not something to hide behind because you don't want to do work. And I'm sure you can tell by how I'm rambling on during this, but I assure you there's a point even though this is practically a stream of conciousness aficionado's dream). And by the way, I state these facts just so you can have some background knowledge about me to formulate your own opinions about what I have to say. So, those tests say I'm pretty smart, right? Wrong. To try and put a number on the level of 'intelligence' that a human brain has is idiotic in my opinion (but that’s a completely different story for a completely different time). It was a pretty comprehensive test but it only challenged a small specific set of 'core skills' that we've been told since we were practically conceived that they were the core of our knowledge. Not once was I asked my opinion on communism, nor my thoughts on existentialism, not even my best thoughts about what I see in store for myself after I die. Not once was I tested on my ability to formulate my own opinions or was I tested on my experience. These are the real core values of knowledge. A drive to learn (which honestly is embedded in all of us, yes - even you!), the instinct to question everything you're told and then formulate your OWN opinions based on what YOU think is true to YOURSELF. Shit, you could honestly be batman as long as you truly thought yourself to be it. Basically what I'm branching off into is that your perception creates your reality. One person may see a pole, one person might see an cylinder. One person may have been told all their life that the color red (or at least the color your perceive to be red) is actually the color purple and they would still be on the same 24 hours as us even though they don't perceive the same reality as us. So I think the main idea of this paragraph is that there's a difference between intelligence (which is what you claim to have, I have no clue because you could be lying about the IQ test for all I know, but for the sake of my little magnum opus that I'm pouring now over an hour into, you are actually that intelligent) and wisdom. And the road to discerning the difference between the two is a painful one, especially if you go through what I did. So I'm taking time out of my day to offer you guys probably the best advice that someone can give you at this age because I really like to help people deep down, even though I can be really cynical at times. Like I wish so much that when I was growing up I had someone to do what I'm doing for you guys right now, so I really hope at least one person reads this entire thing and benefits from it in some way. Back to what I was saying though; Intelligence is like innocence, it's young and beautiful - wisdom on the other hand is like that old sensei that you see in every samurai movie ever, the sensei is old and withered, and has clearly been through a lot - but this is no reason to underestimate their skill and ability to demonstrate said skill, for they have not simply become a sensei by sitting on the couch all day, no? But yes, inherent intelligence is nice to have but you need experience to use that intelligence in a way that suits you for getting through this made up world that we live in that revolves around pointless things that we've made up to fill our time. Even time itself is a pointless thing to fill up our time, funny isn't it? 

Anyway, now you may be asking yourself 'what can I expect from this horrible road that this stranger on the internet speaks of and turns my intelligence into wisdom?’ Well I can start by telling you that it doesn't have to be that horrible. It was for me, and I'll tell you my story. So this road that I've been talking about for a while now starts with becoming self-aware. Becoming self-aware reminds me of a little something that my 8th grade literature teacher drilled into my brain incessantly, 'Bildungsroman'. Funny word, right? I thought upon hearing it that it would instantly go out the other ear and that would be the end of that word and I's history together. But I was wrong, that word has stuck with me for years, and it is a literary term to describe a novel or story that is centered around the coming of age, rather a person maturing into a young adult. Now, this can happen at any age, and unfortunately (well, I'm fortunate now) it happened for me at a very early age, around 12 or 13 being when I started to become self-aware. Now I warn you, this following excerpt from the memoirs of my past is not only 100% true but it is also kind of emotional and I understand if you don't want to read it, but be warned if you do skip this you're missing a lot of good advice. But some people just aren't ready to hear that so I'll barrier the story in asterisks so that you can tell when it ends just by scrolling (I hope these asterisks format the same way as when I typed this or else It'll just be a clusterfuck of asterisks)

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It all started with me experiencing my first real brush with death. Of course I knew that people died at that point, and I had been to a funeral or two, but I guess I didn't really understand the concept because I was just too young and innocent, I just remember that death must've been a sad thing because it's the only time I remember seeing my dad cry - ever. Well I learned full well how gut-wrenchingly sickening the death of a person close to you can be. It was a friend of mine, we weren't like a best-friend-sleep-over-at-each-other's-house-every-night sort of deal, but we were close. Closer than most people were at that forsaken middle school I attended (bah, one of the best schools in the nation and I still hated that shit. Not to sound privileged, I was given an amazing opportunity at that school and honestly in the end it helped me in my path to wisdom). Anyway we were close, and I literally had no clue what to do with myself except drop to my knees with my mouth wide open and my eyes wide as hell when I received the news that his small single propeller cessna (I'm fairly sure it was a 172, a small and dangerous plane that I hope reading this will persuade you to not ever consider purchasing one) had crashed into the everglades in a fireball of smoke and wreckage. A truly brutal way to go that didn't at all reflect the man who's death it was. We'll call him 'P' for now, P was laid back, funny, and just a general upbeat kid who literally never did anything bad to anyone else, a real paradigm of how humans should act. His death was abrupt, it was gruesome, and his last moments were probably spent in fear, and knowing him probably a bit of happiness that he got to die with the ones he loved, so I found solace in that. But P still didn't deserve that ending. I spent a lot of time thinking about the moments before and during that situation, and sometimes I like to ponder every event leading up to it and wonder if things could be different - which by the way if this comment leaves you bursting with newfound ideas and you want to learn more as I really hope it does, I urge you all to look into the multiverse theory. Really interesting stuff. But yes I spent what you could say is an abnormal time thinking about this kids death, which is morbid I know; why take the good ones? I thought to myself quietly, P never hurt even a fly, and I don't say this just because you remember everyone who's dead for what they did good in life, this kids life was literally just all good. If I'm wrong and there is a heaven out there, he is definitely a person who's soul would have ended up there. You never forget your first death. It stays with you just like that day will always stay with me. It was a strange one. Most of my teachers knew that I was friends with him so they asked me as I got to first period if I'd rather be with friends who also knew him, which was nice of them. I spent the whole day in his memory with people in the grade above me, we skipped class all day and just sat in the area between classrooms and told stories that made us happy about him, because that was all there was to tell about P. Well, lets just say that 12 year old me really wasn't ready for that death - I mean it's something that I doubt you could really prepare for but 12 years old? Like shit, gimme a break. So I didn't know how to cope, so I did it in the only way that seemed reasonable to me at that time - I lied, hardcore. I became a compulsive liar, it was fun at first - my lies got me to become the center of attention, but soon I realized that it wasn't so much fame that I was getting rather than just people judging me for what I had said that they took to be true because I'm just naturally good at lying. My most elaborate lie was one I'm really not proud of, I basically made this whole complex series of evidence for myself to show other people in the hopes of convincing people in my 7th grade class that I was dating a girl who was 16 (3 years older than me at the time) that was dying of brain cancer and lived a couple states away, and that we've had a long distance relationship for years. I went all out on this one, to even repeat what I said earlier about this comment being my magnum opus would shame this, my true masterpiece (or so my troubled 13 year old mind thought). I went to school giddy that morning thinking that this news was gonna be 'the talk' and the school would feed off of my lies for weeks to come, I had developed a real puppet master complex at this point, thinking that I was pulling the strings of the school, that because I controlled the limelight for such a small period of time over one little (well, very large and well thought out) lie, that I controlled the school. That power completely went to my head and I just started pushing boundaries, just to see how gullible these kids around me really were. And they were very gullible until it got the point where I had woven a web of lies so thick that it obscured my own vision of what was real and what was a lie, and soon I had just lied so much that it was compulsive at that point. I would lie over pointless, meaningless things, and that's how I was eventually caught. Basically I lost all credibility when I was found to be a liar, and for good reason. I was shunned, I barely had any friends so I learned to just be by myself and I was content with it, for then at least. I wondered to myself, was my 15 minutes of fame really worth it? This was also around the time that I started smoking weed. Good stuff, by the way, just if you're going to experiment with that sort of stuff I realllllly cannot express how important this is: WAIT UNTIL YOU'RE OLDER! I started smoking weed to be cool, and found out I really liked it so I stuck with it. Don't do things to be cool, that's one of the many main points of this message - be yourself, damn it!

And if you think I'm only saying that because I'm trying to keep you out of trouble with the law or your parents, while all of that is important (especially the law!) there is actual science behind it, basically humans are giant sacks of chemicals, and we take other chemicals and put them in our bodies so that chemical reactions occur and we survive, and sometimes we have fun with these chemical reactions that happen in our bodies by maybe drinking a little alcohol, or smoking a little weed. But there are receptors for these drugs that have to form in order for you to get the desired effect. This is why people rarely get high from their first time smoking. But making these receptors too early can damage someones brain, specifically in the frontal lobe where you first start to build up your dopamine receptors. Damage to the frontal lobe can cause you to be very irritable as well as have mood swings like someone who's manic depressive, real fun stuff huh? Yeah, no. So you guys should save your experimenting for another day, preferably when you're out of middle school, which I still assume most of this audience is in. And if you don't decide to heed my warning and you think you know what's best, don't be so open about smoking pot. Even if you think it's the greatest thing in the world when you're in middle school I can almost assure you that it isn't and that there aren't many people your age who will be okay with it. The time will come, and you can have your fun saying 'I told you so!' probably in high school or maybe even late eighth grade year which is when everyone will be trying to experiment. Seriously if you're into smoking weed now you probably think to yourself 'Man, these kids around me will never smoke, I'm the only real one around here' or some bullshit like that, but I assure you everyone will at least once in their life, even if they denied it. Yes, your parents probably smoked weed once, even if they don't now. My father smokes it daily whereas my mom would like too, but can't get over passing out every time she tries it (she has some weird blood pressure problems, some of them i've even inherited - go me, right?)
 
Well that was a lovely sidetrack from my story, which I could guess you could say is the meat of my whole comment. My detailed account of the exact experience that led me to the state I am in now. Back to the story, however...
 
So from where we left off I was feeling pretty alone, right? Well that wasn't even the worst part. I became an angsty teen after that, even though I was complacent with my solitude. I felt like society had wronged me, that I had become a social pariah from the rules that society wanted me to conform too. I was passing blame at everyone except the most obvious person to be held accountable for all of it: me. I went through what you guys will probably go through at around the ages of 14-15, some of you might even be 'lucky' like me and experience what every kid has to overcome and survive in their lifetime before they can continue down this road to self-awareness: themselves. Suicidal thoughts drowned out almost everything, but I wondered - as many of you probably have already and probably will - will I actually go through with this? Can I actually leave this planet and be complacent with what I've left behind? What about my family? Will the pain that I will cause them by doing this be equal, less, or greater than the pain I feel now? Well I'll answer your questions. Everyone, and I mean everyone - their mothers and their fathers included - have felt this pain, maybe not as intense as it seems to grow worse with every generation. And there is something that's to blame for this, and that's technology. Sounds weird right? I love technology but I'm bashing it right now, and why? Because while technology is necessary for our advancement as a species, we've grown up in a world where we're literally too connected with each other. We've become too comfortable with the idea that we shoot messages up into space that bounce off a couple of satellites and back down to the phone you're trying to send a 'text' too. Like have you ever once stopped and thought about how many years of failure went into that iPhone (Any smartphone in general, I know there's many others but I prefer to use iPhone as my example) you probably have in your pocket right now? How many lifetimes were wasted just to that you could instant message your friends? Literally centuries of research, all starting with the non-electric telegraph being created by Claude Chappe in 1794. This method used flags to communicate with people from a distance and now 220 years later we're just sending messages through low orbit, no big deal right? Everyone has an iPhone by the time they're 10 years old, and they're all so used to being with every one of their friends every second of the day that they begin to feel lonely when they're alone, no matter how connected they really are in the big scheme of things. My complacency for my loneliness soon turned to fear of being alone with myself. I was the enemy, so why should I spend time alone with myself? I just thought that bad things would happen. I had some fucked up thoughts as a kid going through that. I wanted to not only kill myself but others as well. I felt in some sick way that they should share in my pain. That's the problem with the sensitive, introverted, quiet ones like me. We just keep taking shit and no matter how we feel about a situation we won't ever say anything and we'll just keep our heads down until one day you're just full of bottled up emotions and you just snap and do something stupid like I just mentioned. And yes, this is the only time I've really ever called anything stupid in my whole long, drawn out, comment. I know you probably feel some times like the whole world doesn't understand you, and that you're the only one in the world feeling this pain. Just remember that the very fact that you're getting to go through this is because of how privileged you are. People in some parts of the world don't even grow to be in the stage that you are. Like they're still receiving wisdom through hardships and adversities that they have to face, and believe me, they're probably far worse than anything you'll encounter in the suburb where you guys reading your oatmeal probably live (And this isn't said to be condescending, I grew up in a suburb too, I was given so many opportunities to grow and flourish into the person that I am today and I am so immensely thankful for that), but that adversity that they have to deal with on a day to day basis gets them ready for a completely different type of life. There are still people in the world, even in this country that don't know where their next meal will come from. The fact that those people made it this long means they're wise, but they're wise for a different type of life. Not the chances that you and I were given. Yes, you. You have so many opportunities, and the fact that you don't have to worry about where your next meal comes from means that you have time to think about other things than whether or not you'll survive another night. You actually have time to sit back and relax and think about things, a luxury that many people will not get to enjoy in such a large quantity. So yes, I implore you to start using that time to think of things other than death and despair as you guys are probably starting to think of and to once more, start formulating your own opinion on everything. I can not put more emphasis on how important this is in the quest for self awareness. Also telling your parents that you love them and appreciate all they do for you, even if its not much. I'd rather have the shittiest parents in the world than no parents at all. And hey, if you think your parents are really that bad, just let that motivate you. Let it motivate you to start thinking about your future right this moment and get on top of that shit and get a job as soon as you're legally able too (I think most states in America, and sorry because thats what this post is geared for because that's the cultural setting I grew up in and that's the one I'm most familiar with, is 15 or 16 ), because if your parents are truly as bad as you think they are, and they don't want to help you with shit now and want you to 'figure it out on your own', they aren't going to want to help you with shit in the future and they'll probably respect you more for taking a stand and getting your life on track. 
 
Damn, I should be a motivational speaker. 
Back to my story:
So blah blah blah, I was feeling despair and such and so forth and I had this huge revelation that the enemy was myself, and rather than do the smart thing and try and deal with that problem immediately, my now 14/15? year old (at the time) brain thought up the very thought that nearly led to my downfall, ultimately. 
So basically I thought of this grand idea that would be my panacea, 'I'll just smoke more weed until I'm so high all the time that I just won't have to deal with my problems, and then hopefully all of my problems would go away' Sounds great right? Wrong. Some people like me smoked (past tense, as in I do this no longer) weed to be cool, some people did it because it was a good way of 'coping with stress', and there were just some people that smoke it to this day such as myself because they like being high. There's nothing wrong with that but everything in moderation is key, even moderation sometimes. There were even fewer people that I knew using weed as a form of escapism from their problems. I literally thought that because I was high I wouldn't think of my problems and how lonely I was, and it worked for a while. Until it didn't. Also a bit of backstory here I was also at this time shaping up to be good friends with a kinda large indian kid, who we'll call 'A' for the sake of anonymity, and his even larger brother, who loved smoking pot and were a convenient stepping stone for me to get into the life I was part of for such a long time. So anyway, we're just sitting around at A's house shooting the shit when he's all like 'I got this weed that was laced, it was dipped in codeine' So I smoked it, being the stupid kid that I was. Honestly drugs aren't bad if they're used in moderation but I mean like I wasn't ready for that. It opened up this world of drugs to me at such a young age and I didn't know what to do except keep experimenting because I liked the way they made me feel. So then this is about the time in the story that I was finishing off my eighth grade year and I had started taking vyvanse, which was a pretty nasty medication for my ADHD. It was an amphetamine, and even though to this day I continue to use recreational drugs responsibly and all that fun stuff, I still to this day stay away from almost all amphetamines. 
 
And seriously, just while we're on the topic of drugs, don't do 'molly', like even if the person you're getting it from is 'lyk ur homeboiii thooo and he would NEVER give me fake drugs' it's probably fake and it's most likely BK-MDMA, or methylone (no, not the same thing as meth, but they're all chemically close anyway. Yes, 'Molly' is very chemically close to meth. There is always a chance you are doing meth if you are doing molly unless you test it yourself). Test kits are available for a wide array of drugs. Not advocating drug use per se, just advocating safety and if you choose not to heed my warnings safe use as well.
 
Well anyway back to the really juicy part of my story. The part of me that died and was reborn a thousand times more majestic than I could have ever imagined it to be. So I had just smoked laced weed with A, and like I said it opened up a world of possibilities to me. I was so intrigued and I was also pretty dumb too in the grand scheme of things so I started lacing my weed with my vyvanse. No wonder the 20mg doses that I was prescribed weren't really doing anything anymore, but still I went back to my doctor and told this, and upon hearing this and looking at a chubby, baby-faced 14 year old there with his mom and not suspecting a thing, he upped my dosage to a whopping 40mg every day. This is where it started getting bad. I was being really inconsistent with my usage of it, stockpiling it during the week so I could abuse it during the weekends. At one point I was doing 120mg recreationally, a dose that many people much larger than I at the time have overdosed on. Thankfully I was not one of them. Thankfully I'm here today so that I can share my story with you guys, and warn you of the dangers that there are in life. Well it gets even worse. Now this is when not only the physical appearance part as well as the emotional and mental part of heavy drug use start to take toll. My face was gaunt, my ribs were showing. I didn't eat breakfast, lunch, and I barely picked at my dinner. I was now extremely underweight for my size (around <115lbs, approx 5'9" at the time) and was extremely sleep deprived. Like you haven't even known sleep deprivation until you've been addicted to amphetamines. I wouldn't even be doing something that interesting, just administering my Minecraft servers until like 4am and then I'd be so tired that I'd drift into sleep for about two hours until I awoke for school. I got practically no REM sleep, which when put into layman's terms means that all the hours I clocked for sleep barely even counted. I caught naps where I could, mostly in class. Then came the lack of feeling. One day I was just sitting there pretending to do some homework (I was really procrastinating and playing Minecraft, my one and true enemy, hehe) and then all of the sudden I couldn't feel a random cluster of nerves, and it was only one side of my body. And then it would shift around so I'd be sitting there trying to get some feeling into this random patch in my leg that had out of nowhere lost feeling and then it would be in my arm not even five seconds later. In retrospect this all paled in comparison to the last stage of my drug abuse, which at this point had become an addiction. Now I just would like to take a minute to say that you never think it will happen to you, but you honestly don't even realize it until you're right in the middle of it. I always thought that it would always be someone else, someone who couldn't handle their shit; or that I was smart enough to notice the signs of an addiction before it was too late, oh how utterly and completely wrong I was. Never have I been more wrong in my entire life, and I almost paid the ultimate toll for it. So this is the final stage of my now full-fledged addiction and most likely the close to this story. So I wake up one day and I'm of course not normal until I take my vyvanse because I'm still fooling myself that 'I need it to focus'. Yeah right, like I focused on anything other than video games while I was a freshman (9th grade for those of you readers not in the USA) in high school anyway. Anyway I go to school do my normal dicking around at school and come home. Not really much to say for my school day honestly because it's spent staring at a wall or sitting in a corner drawing furiously and kept to myself or sleeping. But lately my friends (the few ones I had left at that school) had been telling me that recently (since I upped my dosage again from 40 to now 60mg the week prior to this) I've not been myself. I asked one of them who I've always considered a very close friend and will still continue to do so to this day what was different. He said 'You just haven't been acting like yourself. You look like a zombie and you're acting like one too'. That was my wakeup call. I finally looked in the mirror for once and saw how much weight I had lost, how yellow my teeth were becoming, and how gray my skin had become. I surely looked like a zombie, but I didn't feel like it. I couldn't pinpoint exactly what I felt like until the realization hit me like a pound of bricks and I started crying instantly. My mom heard me crying and came to my aide, though she had no clue what was going on. I was just yelling 'I'm a robot' over and over in-between sobs because that's all I was. Just a pathetic, gray-skinned drug robot who depended on something that did nothing but rob me of my emotions. 
 
As soon as I calmed down I knew what I had to do. My mom suggested that I wane it down, and was surprisingly tame for finding out that her son had been addicted to his medication the whole time, largely unbeknownst to her.  But I refused her method of waning down my dosage, because then I'd just be a slave to this drug for even longer and I couldn't bear to see myself like that. I still had one shred of humanity that I was holding on too and I held and I held like never before as I was catapulted through the experience that is quitting something that you're addicted to cold turkey. That was a fucked up experience. I've never been so close to losing everything in my whole life. I still ponder, back to the multiverse theory a little bit, what my life would be like if I had waited. Would I have recovered? Probably, yes, but every day that I continued to revel in my blissful ignorance that was addiction it did damage to my brain that can never be undone. The next few nights after I quit were strange, but after about a good three days of not sleeping I was almost normal again, save for a bad eye twitch in my right eye as well as a slight stutter when I talk. Over time it's gone away and it is only noticeable when I'm extremely anxious about something. But yeah, if you're still reading this, that's a bit of perspective from someone you don't get to hear a lot from. That is because most people don't recover from addiction, I was lucky, and I've learned countless lessons. So from this story of my life ages 13-15, and almost all of the events that led me to where I am now have been covered in explicit detail for you guys, even though I left some of the more gruesome details out, I got stronger with every battle with adversity that life decided to throw my way. I learned many things about life, that the world isn't black or white. it's impossible to say that it's good or bad, everything in life is a gray area, and there's so much that you can do in this world if you just put your mind to it. You've probably all had this told to you countless times by your parents and every other authority figure out there. But the difference is that I don't have any authority over any of you at the end of the day. I can't make you do what I'm asking you to do with this comment, no one really can - becoming self aware is not something someone can force upon you. It'll come when you're ready, though I warn you... And this is coming from a person who has lived many lives before:
 
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The human body is such a small vessel for one to try and cram their 'soul' in. The 'soul' is such a complex idea and it is as infinite as the universe. To try and even think for one second that you have even a sliver of a fraction of all of your 'soul' in this fleshy vessel is silly. Basically your 'soul' (and I say 'soul' in quotation marks because to confine an idea that complex to something as animalistic as words and human speech is an insult to something so abstract and beautiful) is connected with every other soul in the universe. You are just a free flowing bundle of energy wrapped up in a fleshy ethereal conduit. Self-Awareness is knowing this, and realizing how infinitesimal you are in the big picture, but at the same time even though you're such a small part of it all, you in reality are connected to it all through the same energies. Not to get too mythical on you guys but these are truths that I've found to be self-evident through meditation and conversations with some truly enlightened beings. I mean hey if a random stranger had told me this on the internet when I was your guys' age would I have believed it? Nah. Definitely not. Which is why I urge you guys so strongly to go out into this big beautiful gray area that we call a world and be your own person. To formulate your own opinions, to just be yourself. And to anyone who thinks you're weird, or different, or tries to give you shit for 'being a nerd'... fuck 'em. Seriously. They don't know what you now know after reading this, which I hope at least one person will and it truly helps the one person that takes the time to read my almost 7 hours of straight stream of consciousness writing. I'm going to post this a couple other places, thank you all for providing me the tools to write this as I in return have provided you the tools that will hopefully help you make sense of your life in these troubling times ahead. 
 
I really hope you took the time to read this, I cannot tell you how thankful I would have been to receive this advice at your ages. I am smarter than you guys on this specific subject because I've lived through it before, I've experienced things that you guys never want too, and I'm glad that I've finally shared my story.
 
There were 7 hours of work put into this.
That's: 
6500 words exactly
14 pages
12 paragraphs
525 lines 
 
Of nothing but good intentions and vibes and raw emotion. 
 
If you have any questions at all or shit if you're just going through a rough time and you really need someone to talk too who 'gets it', you can email me at: [email protected] 
 
The following are the beliefs that I have come to find as self-evident truths through my own examination of the world and its entire vast array of mechanisms that it provides for us to examine on a daily basis. Also some of these towards the end will be things about the universe that have been passed down to me from very enlightened souls.
 
I believe in rebirth. So no heaven or hell for me, just cosmic karma that will follow you into the next life, and that leads into another one of my beliefs which I believe I touched up on the subject of earlier in my writing. This would be the belief that all of our souls are connected through energies and frequencies. The universe is just full of highly intelligent energies that assume fleshy vessels so that we can grow into the higher life forms that created this ‘nursery’ realm
for us, and that is true enlightenment right there; transcendence. That’s the purpose of life to me. To live enough lives on this planet until my soul is ripe for the picking then somewhere during the transitory plane in-between lives when I’m reacquainted with my true full form, my ‘soul’, as you call it, and I will transcend into immortality. We all will, well of course – that’s if I’m right.
 
So this brings upon the question, ‘did all of the souls start their quest for transcendence at the same time? Or did they start at seemingly random times?’ Well I don’t have the answer to that question, all I can say is that I know that I’m an older soul and you can tell when someone is a younger soul just by the look in their eyes. Of course, it’s tied so other things as well, such as maturity vs. age, which is why I think so many kids that have maturities that far surpass their age group are special in the sense that they’re so close to reaching their goal of transcendence. They’ve been ‘around the block’ (in a much larger scale now) so many times that they’ve even started to leave hints to help facilitate easy self-awareness so that they might be reminded of their task early on. This is why (and this may not apply for all of you) weird shit happens as a child. In the first couple of years after you’re born, you’re still so close to the transitory phase that you can barely even remember it, but if you do remember anything at all from those times it was strange, wasn’t it? I remember seeing that I was a blacksmith for a moment, just a quick glimpse into a past life of mine at the tender age of 3 or 4. Now that would shock someone our ages, wouldn’t it? Not a child. They possess a certain sense of wonder and such a different, innocent perception of reality. This is the same theory as a sensory deprivation tank; think of you transitioning between lives as a trip to the sensory deprivation tank. And when you’re just born you’re just coming out of this tank. You slowly wait for your senses to regain one by one, everything starts to feel familiar, as if you’ve done this before… It’s because you have.
 
 
Fuck, I'm going to sleep.
 
 

Ex-User (67)

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#2
It was a long read, but it gives a sense of perspective, ive never seen before.
 

rbhusker

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#3
Wow... I just read all of the 6500 words, and man, that was inspiring! Maybe you shouod become a motivational speaker ;p
 
T

Tazboi

Guest
#5
I'm really confused on what to put in this post except that anyone reading this should take some serious notes.

It's going to be very valuable as someone dealing with these similar events to note and especially understand the themes of this.

Thanks so much for posting this kailo. Nice Bildungsroman to read with footnotes.
 

kailo19

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Thank you all for your kind words and for reading this in it's entirety. I hope there aren't too many typos because I barely even proofread this, as I said it was stream of consciousness writing and I was trying to fit 4 extremely important years of my life into something the size of a thesis paper so I'm sure it got a bit off topic and made some weird transitions but I really do hope that the point got across.
 

Babfish

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Dec 16, 2013
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#8
Another prime example of IQ doesn't mean anything should be me, since I have an IQ rated higher then that on a lower, but that's besides the point.

My grades are just above average since I don't study I don't use my full capabilities, why?

That's because school isn't challenging. Everybody will do it not study get a 7 study get a 9, the problem lies in our school system, you get a 6 you pass, everything above 6 you pass no benefits, so what's the point of getting a 9.

Another example should be that Kesha has an IQ of 140....
 

ghfjk99

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#9
These word make feel good even I'm in middle school now and this post is very helpful. But man, I read for like 15-30 min.
 

TicTacTory

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#10
I'm going into middle school this year and you have no idea how much better I feel. Thanks so much. You've impacted what I think about middle school.
 

Chiplover2

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#11
IQ is more a measure of potential, not knowledge already planted into your blessed brain from the heavens. It's whether or not you wanna put the hard hours of the night into your knowledge to actually utilize that IQ number that matters.

The highest IQ ever given out was 400. The guy responsible hit the papers for a bit, but then he worked at McDonald's and died a little earlier than most.

There are infinite outcomes to how a person's life can pan out, and it's exceedingly interesting to see your story. I haven't been down that dark and lonely road of drugs and skippin' school and all that hubbub, and it's very informational to see what it's like for those people. They're people too, to my surprise, and have just as much potential as we do to make a living on this vast planet of ours.

I just finished middle school, but my story is a lot more tame (lol):
In middle school, I've always been in the best classes, with the smart cookies that would jump off a cliff to get an extra point on a test. I HATED these people, and I'm pretty sure I still will in high school (but hey, a person can change a lot in a few years). I've been pressured to try to get the most out of my education at these higher levels, but somewhere in 7th grade I just lost all interest in doing my best. I turned into a lazy lil' couch potato, snaking' my way out of work any way I could. My parents got pissed at me for getting an 85 in a class when they KNEW I could get a 95 (and I knew it, too). I just underestimated myself.

And ya know what? It sucked. I told myself every day that it was okay to not be the best I could be, to be within or below expectation. It sucks, telling yourself that you can't do it. I figured that out the hard way.

There's my little middle school nibblet for everyone. It's pretty brief, and I don't wanna adjust the aim of the spotlight or anything, lol.
Thank you for this. It really got me thinking about other people's lives, not just mine.
 

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